Comfort
by ChildishLights
Summary: What was she thinking? Actually, she wasn't thinking. That's what happened. She wasn't thinking when she found herself alone at the Dead Drop after Emma's funeral, she wasn't thinking when Ray pushed the door, probably looking for is former best friend. She wasn't thinking when her eyes meet his, when they exchanged a long look filled with grief and pain, with something that they n
1. Chapter 1

What was she thinking? Actually, she wasn't thinking. That's what happened. She wasn't thinking when she found herself alone at the Dead Drop after Emma's funeral, she wasn't thinking when Ray pushed the door, probably looking for is former best friend. She wasn't thinking when her eyes meet his, when they exchanged a long look filled with grief and pain, with something that they never acknowledged, because they never knew it was there.

After all, Susan never thought of him in other ways than as the annoying guy that broke her best friend's heart. He was that guy on the outskirts of their little family, gravitating around them like a comet without landing in their world. He was not allowed to do it. They make sure of it. They kept him at arm's length. Maybe because of Will's history with him, maybe because she was too loyal to let him get close to her. Actually, she didn't like him. She didn't like his behaviour, the way he acted when he was close to them, the way he betrayed his only friend and thought he could get him back that easily.

So no, she never thought of him this way. That night, she just didn't think. Her train of thoughts never caught up with her when he reached for her. On the contrary, Susan felt like her mind went blank when she felt his warm hands against her skin. She didn't think about taking a step back to get away from him. She didn't think about asking him to leave her alone, to push him away to be alone with the lump in her throat. She didn't want to be alone, not that night, not now when they just lost one of their own. She felt vulnerable, something she never struggle with, but she never liked either, she wasn't Will, she didn't embrace that part of her, but she was more open, more aware of her feelings than Frankie, for sure.

However, she wasn't aware of the feelings she had for him before that moment. Of course, he listened to her when she was down, while the rest of the team was on a mission in France. Ray was there, listening, telling her how lucky she was to be a part of this family, to be needed by the team. Yes, he was there, in his own way, both annoying and endearing. He was there when she was kidnapped by Ollerman, he saved her life. He was heroic, fearless, badass. He was a different man than the goofy one she was used to.

That night in the bar, after Emma's funeral, he was also different from the man she learned to know in the past few months. His touch was gentle against her arms, trying to comfort her with his touching awkwardness. For a moment, she dropped her gaze, watching his thumb rubbing her upper arm gently through the fabric of her dress.

''You're okay?'

She looked up at him, watching his face carefully. She didn't know what to say. She wasn't okay, none of them was. She could see in his eyes that he wasn't either. Not because Emma was a part of their team, she hardly knew her, but because of the pain in Will's eyes. Suddenly, they understood that their lives were fragile. She knew that before, of course, she was aware of how dangerous their job was, but she tends to forget it, because she can't live thinking about it all the time.

Slowly, she nodded before dropping her gaze again, not knowing what to say. She should have taken a step back, but somehow Ray's hands on her were comforting.

'I'll be fine.' It was the only thing that she said, and she knew from the look in his eyes that he didn't believe her. Ray wasn't the smartest guy around, but he wasn't that stupid, he just played that part.

Thinking about it now, she wishes she could say it was only the circumstances. That she needed to feel alive and he was there for her. She wished she believed it when she said to Frankie that they just took comfort in each other, that it meant nothing. She was lying. Not to her friend, not to Ray, but to herself. She never felt more alive than when she felt his hands running up and down her arms as he stepped a little bit closer to her, so close that she had to lift her head up to look at him. So close that she felt the warmth of his body. She would like to say that she has made a mistake. It wasn't one. She knew what she was doing when she lifted her own hands to press her palms against his chest, her fingers played a moment with his black tie.

It was Ray who hugged her. His strong arms wrapping around her slender figure, pressing her against his body. She didn't hesitate to rest her cheek against his chest, listening to his calming beating heart for un moment, her own arms wounded around him. Susan doesn't know how long they stayed like that, hugging each other, breathing each other. All she knew is that it felt like home.

'I never thought you were the cuddly type,' he said, his husky voice tickling her neck as he spoke, forcing her to move a little bit away from him to look at his eyes, wanting to glare at him. Her dead stare melt quickly in front of his smirk.

'Shut up, Ray.' Was her only answer, the only thing she could say before filling the last centimetres between them.

Ray met her lips halfway, leaning towards her, his hands sliding down her back before going back up again to frame her face. It was a slow, shy kiss. A clumsy attempt to learn each other's lips. Lips that seemed to be known by heart, like if she did that thousands of times. It wasn't the case, in fact, she never thought of kissing him, to let him get that close to her.

It was Ray who took it further, his tongue brushed her lower lip, asking for permission. She answered him by allowing him to taste her own. He tasted like mint gum and Scotch, like childhood and loss. Somehow, the way his tongue played with hers made her weak in the knees and she can't describe the feeling she felt when his hands moved across her body, learning every curve. When they had to take a step back to breathe a little, she felt the loss of him, the need to be closer to him again.

'You're sure you want to….' He moved one of his hands between them like it was enough to express what he was thinking about. 'Maybe you want to think about it.'

Even to him, it sounded dumb. After all she didn't step back, even now. She didn't push him away, on the contrary. Her fingers played with his short hair a moment as she stayed in his arms, her body pressed against him.

'No. I don't want to think.'

Susan reached for his lips, pulling him closer to her, asking for his tongue again, for his hands on her. She didn't want to think about the day she had, about the loss she felt, about what tomorrow will bring. She didn't want to think about anything other than his lips nipping at her pulse point or his hands working on the zipper of her dress. That night, she didn't want to think about anything else that feeling, the one that made her feel alive.

Tomorrow, she'll think about it. Regarding the fact that the only way she felt alive after Emma's funeral was in Ray's arms.


	2. Chapter 2

p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="font-style: oblique;"'How could you let this happened?'/span/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"Frankie's voice was still ringing in her head hours after the revelation of her affair with Ray. She can erase her friend's disdainful look from her memory. To be honest, Susan felt like a child caught doing something forbidden. The look in Frankie's eyes did nothing to help her feel better about it. After all, it's not like she was in peace with what happened between Ray and her. She fought against herself from their first night, since she woke up next to him in the morning, his arm around her waist. Their first morning was something else that she can't really describe. It felt weird, to be that close to him, yes, they slept together, but waking up in his arms was something she didn't excepted. His warmth against her skin, his breath on her neck, the way his hold her … she didn't plan it. She never expected him to stay the night, she believed that he was part of those who don't stay until the morning. She was wrong. Like she often seemed to be when it came to /Anyway, she knew it was a mistake, she shouldn't have slept with him. Even though she knew it, even if every fiber of her being yelled at her that she was making the biggest mistake of her life, she went back to him. Again, and again. She was looking for his arms around her, for his lips, for those little details on his body that she had memorized. It was nothing, she told herself times and times again, each time she called him, each time she opened her door to let him inside her apartment, letting him get closer and closer to her without even wanting it. Each time, she told him the same thing, repeating that it meant nothing, that she doesn't like him, it was just sex./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"It wasn't./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"She found herself waiting for him at night, looking at her phone to see if he sent her something that day. She was anxiously anticipating the moment when he was going to push the door of the Dead Drop, announcing a new mission for them. Even knowing this, Susan fought against that feeling in her chest, not wanting to let him know how she felt. She wanted to keep it a secret forever, she wanted to wrap those moments with him in hermetic bubbles far from the real world./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"She couldn't./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"Because now, Frankie knew and the look in her eyes haunted her in ways she couldn't describe. The CIA operative was right, though, nobody would believe that Ray was responsible, nobody would believe that she wasn't the one who choose this. He was Ray. That oblivious guy who doesn't seem to understand what's going on half of the time. She knew better. He wasn't clueless or stupid, he just acted that way, some sort of defence mechanism to make people lower their guards around him, it worked with her. Hell, it worked more than she expected./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"'Penny for your thoughts?' She raised her head from her glass of wine, looking to his face, seeing that adorable smile of his playing on his lips. Lips that she wanted to taste again, knowing exactly how they felt on hers, how warm they felt against her skin./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"'Something about missing my nephew's birthday with what happened after … you know, edgy Will.' She lied, dropping her gaze on her hands again as she felt him study her as if he could read her like a book. He was not. It's Ray! That guy is the less perceptive person she even knew./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"Ray said nothing, his gaze on her, waiting for something else, but she didn't say anything else. She wasn't able to. She couldn't tell him that she didn't think their relation wasn't just a fling, something meaningless. She couldn't give him hope on that when she wasn't sure of her own feelings, giving the impression she was just a teenager experiencing love for the first time. It wasn't love, she told herself, it was lust, physical attraction, nothing else. It was him who broke the silence./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"'Teach him how to drive or something.' He said, shrugging his shoulders as if it were the most obvious thing./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"'He's ten.'/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"'Okay, and ….? ' Susan shot him a dark look before raising a brow, waiting for realization to wash over him. 'Oh. Right.'/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"And the question came to her again; how could she fall in love with him? But she was not in love with him. That she was certain. She allowed her to relax next to him, yes, but she never allowed herself to feel anything remotely close to love for Ray. Susan couldn't deny that she liked those nights with him, but not him. She liked the impression of feeling alive, that was it. She just took comfort in him, nothing more. Yet, the way Ray acted at this moment, the realization on his face, the childish smile on his lips, made her heart skip a beat. The last time she felt like that was when she met her ex-husband, years ago, and it didn't end well. The psychiatrist thought that her last experience with relationships would have made her careful in that kind of situation; instead, she found herself diving headfirst even if she knew the waters were infested by sharks./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""Are you being gross again?"/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"Susan jumped at the sound of Frankie's voice behind her, noticing how she observed at Ray for a long time now, not saying anything. He seemed to notice to, looking at her with an eyebrow raised in a question mark. If he was going to say something to her, the spy's interruption was enough to changed is mind./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""I'm always a bit gross," said the FBI agent before walking towards the door, far from them and its amused Susan that even after so many months, Ray was still mildly scared of Frankie. She watched him go, in silence, taking all the time in the word to turns toward Frankie./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""It was just one night," she finally said, lowly, knowing that it was a useless lie./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""17 and a half, according to him"/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""It meant nothing Frankie. We already talked about it." She put a little bit more effort in her lies this time, not sure it was worth the effort anyway. Her friend was now the other side of the bar, a beer in her hand, and the look in her eyes was enough to make Susan understand she didn't believe her at all./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"' Yeah, I know, ' Frankie said, her tone light. 'I don't want to talk about it either. Wanna play pool ? ' The spy didn't wait for an answer, making a move towards the pool table and Susan waited a few seconds, a bit shocked by her friend's reaction. Of course, Frankie doesn't want to talk to her about it, it's part of the conversations she doesn't want to have in any case and at this moment, Susan was glad, because she didn't have words to describe her feelings for Ray./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"Standing up, she looked a few seconds toward the stairs, where she can still hear Ray's voice coming from upstairs and she choose to join Frankie, because after all, her relationship avec Ray meant nothing./p 


End file.
